I genuinely believe that most parents do not set out to cause their children any harm. However, it’s often easier for parents to deny the harm they’ve caused than to face the painful truth that they should have shown up differently for their kids.

The truth can be incredibly painful, and when it is, people will go to great lengths to push it out of their awareness. This is especially true when it comes to the ways we were parented. I write frequently about attachment wounds, emotional neglect, and family-of-origin trauma, yet I still believe that most parents have the best intentions for their children’s happiness and health. The disconnect lies in how their actions, sometimes unintentionally, contribute to the very issues they hope to avoid.

Consider the phrase: My trauma is truth to my nervous system.

Directions: Allow yourself to speak these words out loud or say the phrase internally as you check in with your body to see where the statement lands. You’re welcome to place your hands on your body as you consider these words and see if your brain and body can connect as you assert that you and your body know your own truth. Notice any sensations that come up in your body as you try this phrase on. Consider saying these words to yourself quietly and then louder to see what volume allows these words to resonate. You may want to return to this statement often as you work towards self-validation and embodied understanding.

Parenting is undeniably one of the most challenging roles, fraught with immense responsibility and heartache. When caregivers feel isolated in their struggles, without a supportive community, they may become defensive when faced with negative feedback about their parenting. This defensiveness stems from a place of feeling emotionally and physically unprepared to handle criticism and make changes.

This dynamic often leads to a painful crossroads: the choice between continued pain or estrangement. If parents couldn’t accept feedback about a small aspect of their childrearing, they are unlikely to be receptive to the idea that their entire approach may have caused harm.

When adult children bring up the negative impacts of their upbringing, parents are faced with two choices:

1. Drop their guard, listen, and work towards repair. This path requires a great deal of emotional strength and the willingness to seek external support to process their feelings while holding compassion for themselves.
2. Reject the feedback and maintain their defenses. This option often leads to rejecting their adult child and perpetuating the very patterns the child is trying to address.

Unfortunately, we know that not everyone chooses the first option.

Even if your caregivers hold a different narrative about your upbringing, your story is still real. Your journey is valid and important, even if it means confronting painful truths about those who raised you. The Healing Your Way Home Retreat coming up on September 19th - 23rd offers a trauma-informed, immersion experience that allows you to settle into a safe container with highly-skilled trauma therapists as you attend to the parts of yourself that need gentleness, support, and care as you move forward from your traumatic past. Remember, dear one, acknowledging these truths is not about assigning blame but about understanding your experiences and finding a path to healing. To those of you who are healing from your childhood wounds, I see you.

Thank you for letting me see you,