In our continuous journey towards personal growth, understanding our relational needs is crucial. We are all inherently social beings, moving through life in a constant dance of connection and collision with others. These interactions, especially the challenging ones, shape how we form and maintain relationships. Our past experiences profoundly influence how we show up in our current connections. Recognizing this can help us navigate our needs more compassionately and effectively.

Navigating Unmet Relational Needs
It's not uncommon for our relational needs to go unmet at times. When this happens, our responses can vary widely. Some of us might shut down, turning inward and pretending we have no needs. Others might seek out connection in more apparent ways, expressing their needs openly. The former group may suffer quietly, while the latter may experience their suffering in a more visible, outward manner.

Those who express their suffering openly are often labeled as 'needy' or 'clingy,' especially by individuals who cope with their struggles internally. These labels are harmful and only serve to push people further away, exacerbating their unmet needs. If we have a history of trauma, particularly from childhood where our needs were consistently unmet, we might struggle to express our needs in constructive ways. We might not know how to connect with those who can meet our needs, or we might not even recognize our needs at all.

Consider the phrase: I am allowed to have needs because I am human

Directions: Place your hand on your body in a comfortable place. You might like it on your chest, placed on top of your heart, on your belly, or somewhere else that feels comfortable to you. Begin to notice the weight of your hand on your body as you consider this phrase. Allow the words to follow your breath. Breath in, “I am allowed to have needs,” Breath out, “Because I am human.” Notice what it feels like to connect with yourself physically while you offer yourself this emotional phrase. Allow this statement to take up residence in your body and give yourself permission to return to this idea as often as you need to.

Embracing and Expressing Our Needs
It is entirely reasonable to seek out connection and desire to have our needs met. As we heal, we can begin to develop new strategies for connecting—ways that allow others to meet us in our needs and ways that enable us to recognize and communicate our needs effectively. Connecting with ourselves is another powerful strategy on our healing journey. However, can sometimes find ourselves focusing too much on external progress, relying on self-help strategies that push us forward instead of encouraging us to slow down. True progress might mean learning to tolerate stillness and tending to ourselves, rather than constantly pushing our limits. Embracing an embodied self-care practice can help us truly feel how healing is possible.

To those of you who feel 'needy,' to those of you who are suffering, and to those of you who desperately want to be seen, I see you. Your needs are valid, and seeking connection is a natural and important part of being human.

Thank you for letting me see you,