When you grow up in an environment that feels unsafe or chaotic, you learn to adapt. You might not realize it at the time, but those adaptations—ways of thinking, acting, and relating to others—often become deeply embedded patterns that follow you into adulthood.

One of the most common patterns I see in people who’ve experienced childhood trauma is the belief that they’re the problem in every relationship.

Maybe you recognize this feeling: when conflict arises, your first thought is, “What did I do wrong?” or “How can I fix this?”
It’s exhausting, and it can feel like you’re constantly carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.

But this belief didn’t come out of nowhere. For many, it started in childhood as a way to survive.

Why Children Internalize Blame
As children, we rely on our caregivers to create a sense of safety and stability. But when those caregivers are unpredictable, chaotic, or even harmful, safety feels like an impossible goal.

For a child, facing the reality that their caregivers might be the source of that instability can be too overwhelming to process. So instead, the brain offers a different story: “This must be my fault.”

Why? Because if it’s my fault, I have some control.
If I’m quiet enough, perfect enough, or helpful enough, maybe I can fix things.
If I can just “be better,” maybe the chaos will stop.

This way of thinking can create a false sense of agency—a belief that you have more control than you actually do. It’s not fair, but it’s adaptive. It allows the child to navigate an environment that feels unmanageable.

When Childhood Patterns Follow Us Into Adulthood
The problem is, these beliefs don’t stay in childhood.
They show up in how we navigate relationships, careers, and even how we see ourselves as adults.

You might find yourself:

• Assuming that any conflict in your relationships is your fault.
• Overanalyzing your every move, trying to prevent problems before they happen.
• Feeling like you’re constantly failing, even when things aren’t entirely in your control.
• Believing you’re responsible for keeping the peace, no matter the cost.

This isn’t because you’re flawed or broken. It’s because your brain learned these patterns to help you survive—and it hasn’t yet learned that you’re safe now.

The Power of Healing
Healing from childhood trauma isn’t about erasing the past. It’s about creating space for new ways of being—ways that honor the complexity of relationships and your own humanity.

One of the first steps in this process is recognizing that the stories you carry aren’t the full truth.

Here’s what that can look like:

• Understanding that conflict isn’t always a sign that you’ve done something wrong.
• Learning that problems in relationships are often about dynamics, not blame.
• Realizing that your worth isn’t tied to how “perfect” you can be.

Healing allows us to see ourselves and our relationships more clearly. It teaches us that we’re not solely responsible for the happiness or stability of others—and that it’s okay to take up space in our own lives.

Moving Toward Wholeness
If you’re starting to notice these patterns in your life, I want you to know this: you’re not alone, and you’re not to blame.

The ways you learned to survive were brilliant, even if they don’t serve you anymore. And when you’re ready, you can unlearn them.

Dear one, healing takes time, patience, and a lot of gentleness. But step by step, you can create space for more of yourself to exist.

More nuance.
More compassion.
More freedom.

Thank you for letting me see you,