Have you ever been in a conversation where someone shared their pain, only for it to spiral into an argument? Or maybe you’ve caught yourself responding to feedback with phrases like, “That’s not what I meant,” or “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

That reaction—defensiveness—is so common. But it’s also one of the biggest barriers to connection in relationships.

What Is Defensiveness?
Defensiveness is a fight response. It’s our body’s way of protecting us from the discomfort of feedback, especially when it feels like that feedback threatens our sense of self.

At its core, defensiveness often stems from insecurity. When someone tells us that we’ve hurt them, it can trigger shame, guilt, or fear, and we react by trying to shield ourselves. But in doing so, we stop the flow of feedback—and we send a message to the other person that their pain doesn’t matter.

Why Defensiveness Shows Up
Sometimes, defensiveness is appropriate. When faced with injustice or harm, anger and self-protection are often necessary. But when someone is offering us feedback—sharing how they’ve been impacted by our words or actions—defensiveness blocks the very connection they’re seeking.

In that moment, they’re not asking us to defend ourselves. They’re asking us to listen. To see their hurt. To care enough to make space for their feelings.

Moving From Defensiveness to Openness
If defensiveness stops the flow of feedback, openness creates space for it. And while it’s not always easy, it’s possible to shift from reactivity to receptivity.

Here’s how:

1. Pause and Ground Yourself: When you notice defensiveness rising, take a breath. Ask yourself, What am I protecting myself from right now?
2. Acknowledge Their Feelings: Instead of focusing on your intent, focus on their experience. Try saying, “I’m so sorry I hurt you. Can you help me understand what I did?”
3. Separate Impact From Intention: Whether harm was intentional or not, the impact is what matters relationally. Let their pain take center stage in the moment.
4. Stay Curious: Ask questions. Seek clarity. Show that you value their vulnerability and are willing to learn.
5. Engage in Repair: Ask them what they need from you to move forward, and reflect the feedback they have given to you back to them so that there can be cohesion as the conversation ends.

Building Security Within
Our ability to respond non-defensively to others is directly tied to how secure we feel within ourselves. When we’re grounded—when we feel calm, curious, and connected to our own humanity—we’re less likely to take feedback as a personal attack.

This doesn’t mean ignoring our own experiences. It means holding space for both truths: I caused you pain, and I am still a good person who can grow and do better.

Why It Matters
When we let go of defensiveness, we open the door to deeper understanding and repair. We show others that their feelings matter and that we’re willing to work toward connection, even when it’s hard.

Dear one, as we practice responding with openness, we’ll find that our relationships—and our sense of self—become stronger and more secure.

To those of you learning to soften, to listen, and to make room for others and yourself—I see you.

Thank you for letting me see you,