Even before we’re born, we are wired for connection. As infants, our survival depends on it. When our caregivers are consistent, attuned, and responsive, we learn that the world is safe and people can be trusted. When their presence is unpredictable, when love feels conditional or inconsistent, we adapt in ways that help us survive as children but often leave us struggling as adults.

For many, that adaptation is what we call anxious attachment. It shows up in the way we chase connection, even at the expense of our own well-being. We might reach out repeatedly, feel heightened anxiety when someone does not respond right away, or fear that any distance means the end of the relationship.

It is important to understand that this is not about being “needy” or “too much.” Anxious attachment is a nervous system response rooted in early experiences. When love felt unpredictable, our brains and bodies became hyper-alert, always scanning for signs of closeness or disconnection. This hypervigilance can create a cycle. The more we fear losing someone, the more we pursue them, and the more pressure that pursuit can place on the relationship.

For the person on the receiving end, constant pursuit can feel smothering. They may start pulling back in an attempt to regain space, which only heightens the anxiously attached person’s fear of abandonment. Without realizing it, both people can get stuck in a pattern where one chases and the other retreats.

The path toward security begins with awareness. Notice when your body starts to feel restless, your breathing quickens, or your mind begins spinning stories about why someone has not reached out. These are signals that your nervous system is in overactivation. In those moments, pause. Place your hand over your heart, take a few slow breaths, and remind yourself: “I am safe in this moment. I can turn toward myself.”

Healthy relationships allow for both closeness and space. Security does not mean you will never want reassurance. It means you can seek it without losing yourself in the process. You can express, “I would like to feel connected right now,” while also respecting the other person’s need for independence.

Over time, you can begin to choose relationships that meet you halfway, where your needs are honored, your presence is welcomed, and your worth is not questioned. Perhaps most importantly, you can deepen your relationship with yourself so that no matter what happens, you have an unshakable sense of home within.

Thank you for letting me see you,