Somatic Coping Skills

TLDR: Holiday gatherings can activate old wounds. Healing means preparing, supporting, and soothing yourself through the process, before, during, and after.

The holiday season can hold both warmth and pain. For many trauma survivors, time with family is one of the most activating experiences of the year. The combination of old roles, unresolved tension, and the expectation of togetherness can leave you feeling anxious, dysregulated, or exhausted. You might even start wondering if you’ve taken a step back in your healing if you find yourself returning to old ways of engaging when you are back in intimate contact with your family system.

When we return to environments that once held pain, our nervous system often responds as though that pain is still present. That response isn’t a flaw; it’s protection. Family of origin trauma, in particular, can stir younger parts of us, the ones who once felt powerless or unseen. Those parts may speak up in the form of irritation, fear, or shutdown. Healing isn’t about silencing them; it’s about learning how to care for them now.

A useful framework is to think about tending to yourself before, during, and after these experiences. Each stage offers opportunities to practice agency, gentleness, and regulation.

Before: Prepare and Resource

Before a family event, it’s important to check in with your needs. Are you rested, nourished, and hydrated? Our basic needs are the foundation for emotional regulation. When you arrive already depleted, your system has fewer resources to draw from.

Ask yourself: Do I want to go? Sometimes the answer is no and that’s okay. You have the right to decide what environments you step into. If being there feels unsafe or overwhelming, you can choose not to attend. Autonomy is a vital part of healing.

If you decide to go, remind yourself that this is a choice you are making. You can leave early, stay briefly, or decide later that it isn’t working. Choosing consciously helps your body remember that you are in control now.

During: Stay Connected to Yourself

Once you’re there, practice checking in with your body. Notice how you feel, and tend to your needs throughout. Do you need water? A few deep breaths? A short walk outside? Stepping away isn’t avoidance, it’s regulation.

If you start to feel overwhelmed, use grounding tools: hold something with texture, play with a fidget item, or focus on slow, steady breathing. Text a trusted friend if you need a moment of external support. Your goal isn’t to appear calm to others, but to stay connected to yourself.

You don’t have to participate in every conversation. You don’t have to explain your healing to people who can’t receive it. You can excuse yourself, change the subject, or simply remain quiet. These choices are small acts of self-protection and autonomy.

After: Rest and Reconnect

After the event, take time to decompress. Notice that the experience has ended, that you’ve left and are safe now. Look around your current space. Feel your body where it is. This gentle orientation helps your nervous system recognize that the stressor has passed.

Do something soothing and grounding: eat something nourishing, take a warm shower, journal, or spend time with someone who feels safe. Don’t force yourself to reflect on your experiences with urgency, rather, let your body rest, recoup, and restore. Once you start feeling more like yourself, get curious about what happened, and let yourself consider the ways this experience mirrored familial or relational experiences from the past.

Healing doesn’t mean being unaffected by difficult environments. It means tending to yourself throughout them. You can hold agency, gentleness, and space for yourself, all at once.

Dear one, you can’t control how others show up, but you can care deeply for yourself before, during, and after. You are not fragile for needing that care- you are learning how to effectively tend to yourself and your needs.

Thank you for letting me see you,