In the complexity of human interactions, it's easy to internalize the behaviors and actions of others as reflections of our own worth. When someone behaves in a way that hurts or confuses us, our immediate instinct is often to question ourselves—what did I do wrong? Am I not enough? Here is a gentle reminder that other people's behaviors are more about them than they are about you.

Consider the phrase: I exist separately from those who have harmed me

Directions: Allow yourself to speak these words out loud, or simply allow the statement to wash over you. Begin to notice any internal pull to stay in connection with those who have harmed you, and notice any desire to create distance. Allow your mind to bring up images, memories, or thoughts that may be connected with this concept. Consider the phrase again, and notice what happens when you attempt to see yourself as separate from the harm you’ve endured, or the harmful people who have impacted you. As you are able, attend to any distance you can easily place between you and your traumatic experiences, and notice how while your past pain or harmful figures may still take up residence in your body, these factors are not the totality of you.

Recognizing the Roots of Self-Blame
Many of us, especially those who have faced complex trauma, have learned to see ourselves through a critical lens. We might have grown up in environments where blame was frequently placed on us or where our feelings and perspectives were invalidated. This conditioning can lead to a default mode of self-blame when confronted with negative behavior from others. It's important to understand that everyone carries their own burdens, histories, and triggers. People's actions are often influenced by their own pasts, internal struggles, fears, and insecurities. By recognizing this, we can start to disentangle our self-worth from their behavior. Here are some reflections to help you shift this perspective:

• "I am not responsible for the actions or feelings of others."

• "The behavior of others reflects their internal world, not my value."

• "I can choose to respond with gentleness rather than self-blame."

Letting Go of Internalized Blame
Letting go of internalized blame is a process that requires softening to ourselves gradually over time. We can be so quick to take on other people’s stuff, and for many of us, this pattern of assuming we are to blame for anything that has gone wrong is a long-held pattern, first established in childhood. As we engage in our own healing work we want to gently challenge these patterns while fully acknowledging ourselves and our own feelings. For some extra support on this journey of healing, my self-care mini course could be just what you need.

When I was working to separate myself from my own immediate, critical voice, I began by naming where that voice came from. This went something like, “Ah, I see I am trying to put all of this on me and be overly responsible for what is going on in my dynamic with this other person. It makes sense that I would do that, given that I was often made to be responsible for family harmony when I was younger, yet this is a pattern I would like to break.”

By acknowledging my pattern without judgment and speaking to myself in a way that suggested readiness for change, I began to create distance between my immediate response to my environment and the long-held trauma responses I was carrying with me since childhood. This is a practice of non-judgment that can really work to soften the inner critic, which is crucial for healing to take place.

Embracing Empowerment
As you begin to soften to yourself and engage with your inner world and responses in new ways, you will begin to feel more empowered in your interactions with others. You will learn to see others' behaviors as separate from your self-worth, allowing you to navigate relationships with greater clarity and confidence. The sweet spot here is knowing what is yours to tend to and what is theirs to hold- meaning, we are more likely to feel safe in our connections when we work on our stuff, while allowing others to work on theirs. Beginning to name your own responses and dynamics helps in understanding how you show up in your adult relationships, and this is a crucial aspect of your healing journey, enabling you to build healthier, more fulfilling connections based on shared responsibility, reciprocity, and mutual respect.

Dear one, remember that you are not responsible for the actions or emotions of others. By unburdening yourself from the weight of internalized blame, you open the door to a more authentic, empowered way of living. Embrace the understanding that others' behaviors are about them, not you, and allow yourself to thrive in the freedom of this realization.

Thank you for letting me see you,