For many trauma survivors, anger can feel like the one emotion that’s off-limits.

Maybe you were told to “calm down” before anyone asked what was wrong.
Perhaps your anger was labeled dramatic or you were categorized as a hot head.
Or maybe you tried to speak up, and no one listened, or worse, they retaliated.

And so, your body learned: anger is not safe.

But here’s the truth: the fight response is not bad.
It is not wrong.
It is not shameful.

The fight response is a biological reaction in your nervous system that prepares your body to take action when you perceive a threat. It’s rooted in survival.

When something feels overwhelming or unjust, your system may try to protect you through heightened energy: tension, heat, agitation, sharp words, or the urge to lash out. It’s your body saying, I’m not okay. And I need that to matter.

But what happens when the fight response isn’t released? When you and your body feel a strong urge to protect yourself, but you aren’t able to complete the actions that would allow you to feel safe? That unexpressed energy gets stuck, and often, it fuses with deep feelings of helplessness.

This is what many people experience without realizing it:
A coupling of anger and powerlessness. They try to be assertive and suddenly feel flooded. Or they get angry and then collapse into shame.

Working with the fight response means uncoupling those two things — learning how to feel the energy without becoming it.

Here are a few gentle ways to begin:

1. Slow Down: If you’re flooded with activation, do everything you can to increase here-and-now awareness, and decrease the sense of urgency that is running in your system. This small shift can reduce intensity and increase your sense of choice.
2. Allow the Impulse: Feel the urge to yell, cry, or stomp your feet, and before reacting behaviorally, allow yourself to hold these urges in your awareness. The goal is to stay with the feeling long enough for you to be able to respond to the environment and then release the energy, without needing to suppress or explode.
3. Insert More Time: Give yourself as much time as you need before responding to a trigger. This isn’t avoidance. It’s honoring your nervous system’s need to slow down before reengaging.
4. Call in Allies: Who could help you hold this energy safely? Maybe it’s a trusted person, an internal protector, a therapist, or even a memory of support. You don’t have to process this alone.
5. Practice Agency: Whether it’s naming your needs out loud, setting a small boundary, or simply telling yourself, I matter, each act of support toward yourself reinforces your capacity for embodying your own power.

Remember: there is nothing shameful about wanting to protect yourself. There is nothing wrong with having a fire inside you.

The key is learning how to hold that fire with respect, containment, and intention, so it becomes a source of strength, not something that burns you from the inside.

You are not too much. You are learning how to carry your power differently.

Thank you for letting me see you,