There’s a misconception I hear often, especially from people in the early stages of their healing journey. It sounds like this:
“If I do the work, if I go to therapy, if I really try... I’ll get to a place where I’m finally healed. I won’t feel anxious anymore. I won’t get triggered. I’ll feel calm, confident, and peaceful all the time.”
That vision isn’t wrong. It just might need a little reframing.
What most people mean when they say they want to be healed is that they want to stop hurting. They want to stop feeling afraid. They want to feel free. And those desires make complete sense.
We all want to feel better.
But healing doesn’t mean the absence of pain. Healing means having a different relationship with the pain we carry.
We are always going to experience stressors. Relationships shift. Life unfolds in unpredictable ways. Old memories can surface unexpectedly. What changes in healing isn’t that these moments stop happening. What changes is how we relate to them and how we relate to ourselves in the midst of them.
Instead of panicking when a familiar trigger returns, you pause. You breathe. You give yourself a little more room. Instead of collapsing into shame or urgency, you move with care. You ask, “What do I need right now?” and then you actually listen.
These small shifts are what make healing sustainable.
And they don’t come from grand gestures or huge insights. They come from showing yourself kindness on ordinary days. They come from drinking water, honoring your bathroom cues, tending to your body’s hunger, and moving gently. They come from practicing presence with yourself when nothing is going wrong, so that when something does go wrong, you know how to stay close instead of turning away.
When we grow up learning that love is conditional or that our needs don’t matter, it’s no surprise that our trauma response sounds a lot like, “I’m on my own,” or “There’s nothing I can do.” Healing rewrites that story. Slowly, and often quietly, it teaches you that you are no longer helpless. That you have options. That you matter.
This is why gentleness is not optional. It’s essential.
Because harshness keeps us stuck in old survival patterns. Gentleness is what tells our nervous system that the danger has passed. It’s what creates the conditions for new responses to take root. And just like trauma patterns repeat themselves until they’re interrupted, so do healing patterns. The more often you practice kindness with yourself, the more likely it is that your nervous system will reach for that same kindness in moments of distress.
Dear one, healing doesn’t mean you’ll never hurt again. It means that when the pain comes, you’ll have something sturdier to stand on. You’ll be more resourced. More supported. More connected to yourself.
And that’s what makes all the difference.
Thank you for letting me see you,